What is lost?

I started seeing a counselor in February when I saw B in her car again and realized where this was headed and how powerless I was to stop it. That counselor was like a love struck junior cheerleader who did little but encourage me to talk and cheer me on. Her utter uselessness was recognized by my son, Ben, when he came to a session with me after Faerin passed. I fired her in June.

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Idiot

Idiot. It’s a term of endearment, really. Fae was very proud of her status as a professional idiot, it meant the world to her, and to me. Going back to B after the incident in January made her an idiot too. Thinking for even one fleeting second about ending her beautiful life makes her an idiot as well.

But losing her made me an idiot. A mindless, empty, lost idiot without enough sense to even watch TV. My promotion was sudden and unexpected but thankfully only parts of it appear to have been permanent.

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What happened?

You may or may not know that when a human hears of another human’s death, a very common response it to ask, “What happened?” I asked the police officer in my living room, after I caught my breath.

I didn’t break down, I didn’t gasp or shriek or faint or any of those things. I knew. I’d known she was a t risk, I just thought I’d have more time to help free her. I knew and I swallowed hard and I put my hands over my mouth and I asked, “What happened?” They didn’t know. They knew she was dead, they knew she died in Grand Ledge, they had a form for me to fill out giving the Grand Ledge police permission to search the car. That was it. Everything beyond that was a mystery.

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First entry

The first thing I put in my journal after Faerin died.

When they come

To tell you she’s gone

They don’t take no for an answer

They come into your house

They don’t use euphemisms

They don’t sit down

 

They watch you fall apart and apologize for destroying your world

They wait and wait and wait for the next wave of useless, impotent faces to arrive

 

When they come

They can’t answer your questions

They have no information

They’re only doing their job

 

They didn’t know her

They never saw her dance

Never heard her laugh

Never held her while she slept

Never stroked her hair

Or heard her tell them

I love you

 

I knew her – once

Every inch, every moment

Every favorite thing

I knew her music, her food, her stories

Where did it go wrong?

 

Knowing her is heaven when she’s here and hell when she’s gone

 

You can’t miss what you didn’t know

If you never saw her dance, you can’t miss the beauty

 

I miss her beauty

I miss her laugh

I miss her jokes

I miss her music

I miss her style

I miss her voice

I miss her

I miss her

God, I miss her

 

 

My Daughter, Faerin

If you tried to contact me recently, you may have been redirected to one of my associates instead.

On Tuesday May 19th the Lansing police informed me that my oldest child and only daughter, Faerin, age 23, was deceased. When I asked them what happened, I had to wait 16 hours before I was able to get someone to answer that question for me.

 

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