What is lost? (revisited)

What is lost?

In less than six months I’ve managed to lose one child to death, one child to a long-overdue change in custody and one child to my own unreasonable and unhealthy expectations. I’ve found and lost a roommate (though I’m awfully glad he’s gone) and lost two cats; one to life with her boy and his dad and another to…

She was here Friday but by Friday night she was gone and we’ve not seen her since. She never really ventured outside before but maybe she slipped away?

It’s just odd timing. I was anticipating life with Ben and a cat and I, now it’s just Ben and I. No cat. No roommate. No siblings. No grand plans for adventures.

Just lots of meditations and emptying spaces. Cleaning and clearing energy to make room for the next steps I need to take.

Now that Johnny isn’t in Faerin’s rooms anymore I’m back to wandering through them and crying like a fountain all day. So much has been lost. So damn much.

Even my cat.

My sense is that I have to lose even more. I need to release my energy from everything I can; weddings, furniture, books, people, cats… I guess. I need to concentrate the energy I have instead of diluting it with people and things that do not serve my higher purpose. It feels like becoming a seed, drawing all of my energy into my tiny body and saving it up to do something new.

I offered to join a local(ish) Renaissance singing group. I’m not really qualified, but it would be fun and I’m willing to spend my energy on it. We’ll see if that materializes for me.

I’m looking for a new source of income to replace the two I’m losing (weddings and child support). I’m mapping out a book to write. It’s enough. It has to be. For now. Because so much has been lost, a lot needs to come into my life to replace it. I just need to make sure that the things I choose are worthy of my newly minted time and energy.

I’m learning to listen to me. There’s no one else to listen to anymore.