I was in the mall the other day. I don’t really go to the mall anymore. I used to go with Faerin and watch her try on outfit after outfit. I would occasionally peek in the “plus-size” section to see if anything didn’t look like a gaudy, deflated hot air balloon. Just looking at the clothing in my size was depressing, so I’d watch Faerin try on cute outfits and make the most of it.
But now, there’s no Faerin to watch. It’s just me and the racks of billowing mumus and a persistent hollow feeling in my heart whenever I walk past something she might have liked.
But this trip was different. With my friend by my side, we laughed and I forgot to miss my daughter for one glorious moment in time.
We ambled over to the plus-sized section and she casually asked, “What size are you now?”, a legitimate question as I’ve lost a couple of sizes since Faerin died.
“I’m a size perfect”
It was casual, thoughtless even. But absolutely perfect. We laughed and bantered about it for a bit before moving on to accessories, but it stuck with me. No more numbers, no more shame, just my own size perfect. I held my head a little higher just thinking it.
“I’m a size perfect”
It came back to me the next morning and I took a little extra care as I dressed my size perfect body for the day. I felt lighter in my mind and my body.
As I walked around in my size perfect body I noticed some things:
I have an extra spring in my size perfect feet
The clothes that feel good and look good on my size perfect body are easier to sort from the clothes that don’t
I take my size perfect body to the gym when I want, stay home and dance when I want and stay on the couch when I want
I look people in the eyes and smile more
I see other people ALL have size perfect bodies too and I appreciate them all
I’m a size perfect
And so are you