spring cleaning

October is always an emotional month for me. My father’s mother’s birthday fell on October 1st and I loved my grandma, especially since both my sister and I had our birthdays in October, so it made it extra special. Then my sister had her first baby in October too which has always been awesome. This is on top of my delight with cider and donuts and apple picking and bonfires and Hallow-freakin-ween. So this year it’s weird…

First, grandma’s been gone since 2007 now and while I was aware of her birthday, I didn’t post her picture like I sometimes do when I turn the calendar page (hmmmm….speaking of which… there. Love October calendar photos!)

Then there was this wedding.

I never thought I’d book it. A wedding on Mackinac Island, over 3 hours and a ferry ride away. I bid high and forgot about it knowing they’d never go for it. But they did. My regular fee, plus travel, plus ferry tickets, plus two nights lodging. I’d only need to pay for food and incidentals (like fudge, of course) out of pocket. Faerin and I were excited, especially when the motel reservation came in and there was an indoor pool and hot tub. Sweet!

The fact that the actual wedding date was on my actual 48th birthday just made it that much cooler. Until Faerin died. Then I dreaded it. I didn’t want to do it anymore. Not without her.

That’s part of what made the idea of running away to the Texas Renaissance Fair so appealing. I could go on a totally different adventure for my birthday and not deal with the memories. But that was not to be.

So I went. I took Ben with me for moral support and, despite a series of memorable and crazy-making events, including a late-night phone call where I was informed that my bride’s credit cards had been declined and I needed to pay for the room on my card then have them reimburse me (which worked out fine), to a sunset ferry ride in the freezing cold with my shivering son holding my hand and smiling with me as we reminisced to my bride and groom arriving 30 minutes late to their cold and blustery ceremony site to find the poor guests all huddled for warmth to spending my birthday sampling warm delicious fudge all over the island, we had a great adventure. What I was dreading as an emotional weekend was, make no mistake, very emotional, but they weren’t all bad and the bad ones weren’t all about Faerin.

So that’s done. A hurdle cleared, a goal met, a milestone reached. I have 3 more weddings on the books and I’m done. It’s time to move on to working on something I actually believe in. (True confession, I’m not a big fan of marriage in general or wedding ceremonies that combine the legal fiction with the reality of the relationship. I’m a non-believer in the wedding world). I’m off to do something else, but what? I need a trajectory for my journey so I can hit the path and take that first, shaky step toward the best, brightest, biggest version of me. Me 48.0, Goddess edition with special features! (or whatever)

And because today is the most contentious of holidays, which always dances around my birthday, and the banks and post offices and courts are closed despite me having minor business to do with all of them, I declare a day for my Holy self. A day of introspection and vision. Call it Indigenous Identity Day. I’ll honor the original expression of my soul today. I began my invocation and repeated the first line a few times, “All of my relations in the East – arouse me” Arouse me, delight me, fill me with purpose and joy, show me the me who is as me as I can be. What does she do? Where does she live? What does she love? Who does she love? Why?

I felt a powerful shift, especially after reading this article on the elephant (love them!) about the one word you need to add to your practice – let. I let my spirit shine through. I get out of my own way and stop all the busy doing and planning and worrying and simply let myself be awesome.

It occurred to me that the East represents Spring and that I just survived a fucking miserable emotional Winter.

I declare it Spring, as of today – Indigenous Identity Day – for my inner goddess. I am committed to preparing the way for the abundance yet to come. I will let my body heal. I will let my addictions go. I will let my children be who they need to be for their own highest possible good. I will let myself be amazing at what I do.

So? What do I do?

I heal. Apparently I’m a goddess of healing. I’ve actually kind of known this for a while now, but it was never this clear before.

There is a new healing discipline that is ready to express itself through me. It’s a combination of the “cuddle therapy” trend, talk therapy, affirmations and something that I’m calling ReMothering (until someone decides they own it and sues me…)

I’m developing it on myself and it’s powerful stuff. I have a water brother here that I believe the universe wants me to practice on but I’ve been in winter mode and haven’t gotten his consent yet. Beyond that, I’ll develop this discipline however I’m led to. It would be nice to help some folks with real problems for once.

So, I’m spring cleaning here. No more winter, though the storm of 2015 will never be forgotten, I allow myself to move to the next stage of my healing. Here comes the sun.